Sharyn Wolf is the author of Love Shrinks: a memoir of a marriage counselor’s divorce – a fearless look at her own dysfunctional former marriage. A New York licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, she’s been on over 400 radio and TV shows (including 8 appearances on Oprah). Her books include This Old Spouse, How to Stay Lovers for Life and Guerrilla Dating Tactics.
1. For the most part you were in a sex-less marriage for 8 years. How common is this and what advice do you have to others in a similar situation?
When I posted a piece in the Huffington Post about my sexless marriage, I received over 500 comments on the site and another fifty to my website. Half were from people in sexless marriages for one reason or another ranging from chronic fighting to chronic illness. I wasn’t that surprised that so many people aren’t having sex. They all said that it is a secret and others see them as perfectly happy, well adjusted couples.
Sex is the glue that holds relationships together for most of us. So, if you are in a relationship and you aren’t getting any, it’s important to figure out why. You can do something as simple as plan a date night and see if that works. But, if it doesn’t, then you can count on a deeper issue—most likely to be anger. You can try to work it out on your own. With a few good books like the ones by David Schnarch, you might be able to. If you can’t, a good couple therapist or sex therapist is likely to be able to get you on the right track.
2. I love the image you used of the “drawer that gets stuck” and figuring out what it is in the patient’s head that’s keeping it from closing. You also say every therapist will ruin your life and to choose one that ruins it for the better. Please explain.
Therapy is a process that invites self-exploration into your motivations for those behaviors that are making a mess of your life. No one wants to spend time in those dark places, but you cannot move forward without doing just that. Most good therapy makes you feel worse before you feel better. So good therapy insists you change and change comes with us kicking and screaming all along the way. Change isn’t easy. Neither is therapy.
3. To those who haven’t read Love Shrinks, what is the meaning of the origami birds on the cover. And were there other titles considered for the book?
This was the only cover presented and everyone immediately loved it. In the first chapter of the book I have a patient who constantly makes origami during our sessions. He tells me that story that, in Japan, there is a belief that if you make 1,000 origami cranes, your wish will come true. It was an ‘aha’ moment for me. I was in a 999 crane marriage for many years. I just couldn’t complete my wish, my thousandth crane. I was too scared.
When I submitted the book, the title was, The Marriage Counselor: A Love Story About Divorce. At one point it was Who Gets the Dogs? and at another it was We Have to Stop. In the end, and I’m very happy about it, Love Shrinks won out. That was my publisher, Bronwen Hruska’s idea.
To find out more, visit Sharyn’s website or view the trailer.